Kirk Martin from Calm Christian Parenting had 4 sessions at convention this year. I had never heard of him, but the session titles jumped off the page at me as something I needed to listen to. After the first session, I was hooked. I wanted to hear more! I wanted him to move in with us! At his sessions, he didn't have a powerpoint. He didn't have handouts. He just talked. I wrote furiously snippets of his talks. I am warning you that these notes are not in outline format. These are just sentences I wrote as I listened to him talk. Hopefully some of what I have written will help someone else. And if you EVER get an opportunity to hear Kirk speak - TAKE IT. It WILL change the way you parent!
Are You at Your Wit's End?
What if kids are created this way? What if they are like this for a purpose? What if I'm trying to change them when I'm the one that needs to change?
It is not my job to control their behavior. I'm in charge of my behavior and I need to teach them to control themselves. Teach them how to deal with conflict. No one else should manage my emotions or deal with my resentment. It is not my job to make everyone else happy.
When in a disagreement, don't create a victim. (I'm sorry ______. Instead, I understand how you feel.) Don't let one give power over the other. Ask him what he'll do next time sibling annoys them. (Gives them power over their emotions.)
When I lose control of my emotions, I lost my authority. Now the child is in control. Discipline them sitting down. Give them a choice for the consequences. No guilt, no manipulation.
When we step back, it gives kids space to step up. Kids learn by doing, even making mistakes. Let them make mistakes - even if we see it coming. Stop trying to protect them. Step back, because that's how they'll learn.
When we say "Do your chores right now." or "Do your chores with a smile on your face." Why? Why do they have to be done right now or happily? Is it for their benefit or mine? Example: The parable of the 2 sons in the vineyard. The one who complained and then did the job was the one who obeyed. Jesus even asked for the cup to pass from him, but finished with let your will be done. Kids with the biggest mouths, have the biggest hearts. 90% of power struggles begin with my control issues.
Remember: Kids are drawn to calm!
Encourage the child to go to God or come to us with mistakes. It shows their self control. The best discipline is self-discipline.
Anxiety is caused by the unknown and looks like defiance on the outside. Consequences don't work for anxiety. Being sent to their room is a relief rather. Anxious kids prefer that to having to experience the new thing. Usually kids don't know they are struggling with anxiety.
I need to control myself first, then I can help him deal with the real situation. It makes us angry when they have signed up for something new (karate, sports, etc.) and then they decide they don't want to. Usually is an anxiety issue. It's helpful to go a week ahead of their start time when theirs no pressure to perform. Ask other adults to give your kids specific responsibilities.
Stop Defiance, Disrespect and Meltdowns
Moms do too much for their kids. We're too emotionally involved. Usually defiance is caused by some other underlying problem.
Set boundaries. Make sure to get 20 minutes to myself each day. Make sure there is Dad and me time. Kids don't always have to know what's going on.
Don't give them control of the home but ownership. Set clear boundaries, give them choices.
Praise them with the same intensity we use to get on them. Obstinance becomes persistence one day. Every trait that pushes our buttons, turn it around into something good. Don't fight people; fight obstacles.
Moses argued with God, questioned God. Jesus asked God for a different plan. It's honest to question and ask why - not defiance.
We don't necessarily want well-behaved children. Ex. prodigal son. He came back to be a world changer. Jesus spoke to the Pharisees, the ones that followed the rules.
When your kids are emotional, you can't respond with emotion. Speak like adults with honesty. Strong willed children are doers.
Endless lectures are provoking. Don't provoke kids. Treat the child with dignity and respect - not so demanding - explain the big pictures. Don't demand chores - ask for help - recognize what they are already doing. Model - Model - Model
Motion changes emotion. Just because I have the right to demand something doesn't help them. Sending them to their room sends them away from us. We lose our influence. Instead have him get something and meet me somewhere to talk (ex. you get the chips, I'll get the salsa and meet you on the deck.) We want them to come to us for help and acceptance - not to their friends.
When kids are emotional, they are not rational. "What are you going to do next time you're upset? When you yell at me, you lose stuff. You don't like it and I don't like it." When they are at their worst, draw them to us - just the way God does with us.
Model what I do when I get frustrated - teach them how to control their own behavior
Self control = impulse control
Discipline that Works When Consequences Don't
Discipline is not punishment - it's meant to teach
The best discipline is self-discipline.
Kids like video games because they are consistent. they know what to expect. Disappointment is a fact of life. They need to learn how to deal with it. We are not responsible for their happiness. Stop saying "no" so often, but instead have them think about it overnight and talk about it the next day. This teaches them critical thinking.
Choices and promises
"If you choose to ___________, I promise to ___________." Ex. in the car, if you choose to continue being loud, I promise to bang pots and pans the next time you're watching your favorite show.
Your choice determines your consequences. When they choose the wrong way, you always keep your promises.
"Your mood doesn't determine my mood." "I understand why you're miserable, but I always keep my promises." This doesn't mean you can't show mercy once in a while. Expect kids to freak out during the consequences. Make sure they understand the choice and the consequences. Don't punish them again for their reaction to a consequence
Ex. every minute late to the car, you are choosing 15 minutes of lost screen time. Quietly wait in the car, patiently. Make the consequence worthwhile and memorable. Make them pay money for your time.
Why do kids spend so much time in front of a screen?
The needs not being met might be stimulation, competence or confidence, social aspects. You have a right as a parent to limit time, but it's not very effective long term. You need to use internal motivation. How else can these needs be met? Us their gifts and talents.
Make a list of gifts and talents of your kids. How do they connect? What are their passions? If you can't come up with something, ask other people. Find ways they can use those talents outside the home - in the supervision of other adults.
Back off - believe the best about them, not the worst - apologize for your past behavior and explain how you will change.
They don't care about losing video games, but they won't want their gifts/talents taken from them. expose them to new/different experiences that use their talents. Find other adults that will sew things into your kids.
The father of the prodigal son didn't condemn him for his mistakes. The son knew he screwed up. The father loved him anyway. A strong-willed child might love others more because they have been forgiven of so much more.
Arguing With Your Teen (with his son, Casey Martin)
Some kids need outside stimulation to think- do their homework Why do they want to do their work? outside motivation, internal motivation or because of what their parents want.
When I'm on my kids for things they are not responsible for, it's not for them but for my own anxiety. watch out for their personal space. Do something for yourself. Let kids see you with a passion and joy for something other than caring for your family.
When we are in freaked out mode, teens are scared of us and there is no respect. They won't come to us with problems, but to their peers.
If teens can control themselves, parents don't have to control them. Shows that parents can trust them.
How to have a difficult conversation with a teen, without having emotional distance from them or lecturing. Tell them my perspective about the issue and leave it in their court. Lecturing is not influencing them. They might not be happy about your perspective, but leave them alone and let them ponder it for awhile. Separate so there isn't fighting back. Come back later to discuss things further. Lecturing just shows you don't trust them. Don't worry if the teen doesn't agree with you. Let them make a bad decision and go through the natural consequences.
Every teen wants the parent to know:
1. Don't lecture - kids don't listen, we have no influence.
2. Leading by examples - models good behavior, kids are watching.
3. Be vulnerable - tell the kids if you are struggling with anxiety/stress - give them an opportunity to help us out - let them earn your respect
4. Respect teens' interests, even if I don't understand why it's so important to them. Don't attack their interests
Promise them you won't over-react, yell or lecture when the come to you with something they have done wrong. We don't want to change the behavior, we want to change the heart. we can punish and yell enough to scare them into the behavior we want.
Sibling rivalry - the child being picked on needs to demonstrate that someone else can't control how they feel about themself.
Screen time - Make kids earn stuff - willing to pay 1/2? Have kids start their own business, what they are good at.
Trust has to run both ways - check texts and don't overreact when you see something a friend has done that's inappropriate. Hold your teen accountable. Teach them that just because someone texts or e-mails doesn't mean you have to respond immediately. Learn boundaries - You own your time! Your friends don't own your time! Do regular electronic fasts - says you have power over your time.
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